I Haven’t Been Writing For Months. I’m Back Though.

I haven’t been doing that much. I’m stuck in a rut that has gone on too long. I’m going to start therapy again, I have to at this point. I just turned 30, and I feel like I am nothing more than a “professional patient”. I finally realized that medication alone is not going to work on my issues, and there are some major stressors that I have no control over.

As for not being able to work at all, I’ve decided to try again for disability benefits with the help of a lawyer, as I can’t seem hold down a job due to any stress whatsoever.

I’ve started to become afraid of what the future holds for me because I’ve become pretty unstable. I do not enjoy feeling stuck in a situation without a clear goal. I also routinely question why can’t I just live my life for once without any outside and unnecessary stress whatsoever?

It has become constant. I don’t blame this all on having Bipolar Disorder. I chalk it up to losing my self confidence because I just don’t know what to do. This “rut” just seems to be overly complicated, with the fear of not knowing how to get out of it. I usually have a plan of action to step out of this mindset and move on. Life isn’t allowing me to do so financially.

The problem is that I am 30 years old with no clear path to any success, and it’s my fault. I blew it when I dropped out of college four times and just accumulated student loan debt on top of my treatment costs. This has become my life’s focus and it really upsets me that I literally can’t afford to live the life I have wanted for myself. I receive money from my family and fiancé to cover bills at home and food.

I can’t take care of myself, and without their help, my situation would be definitive. I’m only applying for disability again because of the guilt that I have when I am receiving income from my family. I want to be independent. I wish to be independent so bad.

It’s hard having to ask for help, and then have to deal with ultimatums, guilt tripping over any spending whatsoever and even more added stress on top of it. I cringe at the thought of even writing about it at this time.

I am lost. I hope therapy helps me, I hope I will qualify for disability this time with legal advice just so I can have some peace. I’m tired of seemingly letting everyone down. I am letting them down due to needing money. I am letting myself down for allowing myself to be disrespected constantly over the issue. My health insurance is expensive, due to the change of insurance over the past few years. It is outrageously expensive. My doctors copays have skyrocketed and my medications probably average around $100 a month. I had a very affordable bill for health insurance for a very long time and it didn’t double, it tripled even going down to a lower tier. Thank you to the government for this, I am paying way more than anyone should have to, especially with having a chronic illness.

My life revolves around money that I don’t currently have and not having anything to support myself independently. I am grateful for help, but I am stressed and hurt that I am dependent on income from family members who are just tired of it, seemingly due to the reality that they just want me to be independent and cover all my costs because they can’t and won’t help me forever. Just more and more added stress. I don’t blame them though. My life is expensive because I am chronically ill.

Household bills on top of my medical treatment is impossible for me to do. I imagine it would be impossible for anyone to do and if they could they would still be miserable. I can’t do anything fun. I do not have the extra money to do anything at all. I can’t hangout with friends without having any shame as to what my life is like at this point. I’m not self sufficient. My social life has disappeared. Once a stress outlet, is now gone.

I believe something has got to give. I can’t ask for help anymore and I can feel the resentment in them for feeling obligated to help. As much as I appreciate all of the help, I do not deserve to be badgered as to why I can’t just do what “normal people do” I am sick for the rest of my life with Bipolar 1 and I am tired of feeling disrespected and hurt for needing help because of it.

I was dealt this hand and I will make it through this hardship because if I don’t, I’ll be homeless and unmedicated. I can’t do this by myself, so social security is my best bet yet again.

This is what I have been dealing with for months and I just feel so small now. I need to start standing up for myself. I’ve never been good at that either.

Published by capricious.capo

I am diagnosed as Bipolar 1. I am an advocate for mental health awareness and have helped fundraise towards nonprofit organizations like NAMI. I write about my own personal struggles and success stories to help end a national stigma that hurts and alienates those who battle mental illness. Beyond fighting for mental health awareness, I am tech nerd, hair enthusiast, film buff and music lover. I love my family and support system with all my heart. I have green hair and tattoos because I want to. I’ve always stood out in one way or another. I studied photography and received an associates degree. I have my high school AP literature teacher to thank for inspiring me to pursue journalism, and for writing me a heartfelt letter of recommendation that I still have as a reminder. High school was a decade ago, but in times like these, Publishing an opinionated, personal and maybe controversial blog about living with a mood disorder seemed like a good enough start.

%d bloggers like this: