It has most definitely been too long since I’ve written anything, let alone had the energy or drive to do so. That’s the thing about fighting the major depression when I least expect it, when there wasn’t a trigger.
I think. It could have honestly been a number of mundane things.
I have been in bed for approximately 2 weeks dreading just being alive if I’m going to be perfectly honest. I let this one take over my mind and body for far too long. I’m serious when I say that my physical health has deteriorated immensely due to this mess. I dropped a lot of weight and I feel like shiiiiit.
Typical isolation, anxiety ridden insomnia, oversleeping, guilt, hopelessness, shame, malnourishment, that blank expression where I just look into the mirror and cry over some existential crisis that doesn’t exist. For two weeks I haven’t had any love for myself whatsoever, I didn’t even knew who I was. I lost my vision and drive. I didn’t care and I made a lot of excuses.
I was terrible to my fiancé and I was too ashamed to go see my mother. I never want her to see me like this. I am going to see her tomorrow because as dissociated as I feel, I love her and I need her. She also needs me.
I am not going to stay in this limbo of unwanted anguish and suffering. Everyone’s life is worth something, and I truly believe that, even in the darkest of times. If anything, I grow a lot from this uninvited pain. We all do.
I have an annoying mental disorder that I have to take control of, or I will lose myself indefinitely. If I were to completely let myself go, I would be dead inside, which is just a true death in my eyes.
I am desperately battling my way back to a stable mood and better health, and that is as much as I can handle at the moment. I do know I will inevitably be back because I have to kick myself in the ass to make my life happen, or I will just wallow. There’s nothing worse than dragging yourself down.
I just wanted to let readers know why I haven’t been myself. I apologize for the dark post, but this is my blog and I write about Bipolar Disorder. I am not asking for any pity, so please don’t do that to me. I am simply just writing and I am stronger than you think.