An Impasse.

This is heavy and personal.  I think I’m just having one of those days but here it is.

Today when I woke up I thought a lot about my life.  When I Say that, I really mean it. I had a full-blown existential crisis.  I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing anymore.  This illness has become something that pisses me off to no end, it holds me back no matter what I do, one step forward three giant leaps backwards, you know. All of that.  I started to think about everything that has led up to where I am right now.  Where did I go wrong?  I am supposed to be strong, right?  I know I am doing my best, but in this “strength”, especially with understanding how detrimental this disorder can be, I have begun to walk on eggshells around myself, because I hate that I am basically a shell of who I should be.  I am broken.  I broke my own heart.

I am disgusted by the burned bridges, mistrust, deceit and lack of self-control I have left behind me.  I am Bipolar, but that does not make up for the inexcusable things that I have done to my family, friends and to the many failed attempts at doing something with my life I’ve had.  I don’t know where to turn sometimes.  I just want to run but my legs can’t move.  My mind has no problem running laps, however.

I despise the person that I was only 3-10 years ago.  I’m  not asking for pity, I’m just explaining how it is.  I feel this way all of the time now.  I feel like I had so many chances to do the right thing and I failed.  I let down my family and most importantly myself.  I have no other choice but to keep fighting though!  Is that all my life will be? Just battling every single day?  I can’t even have a normal conversation with my mother without wanting to break down in front of her and no, she does not need that added grief.  My mom is my saving grace, if it weren’t for her, I would be homeless or dead.  My mother deserves everything that is wonderful in the world.  I just wish I could talk to her as a confident adult right now.  This makes me sad.

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Is that why I always want to cry when I see her?  Do I feel guilty for my life?  I think I do feel guilty.  I wish I didn’t, but I also wish I wasn’t Bipolar, which would have kept me from being such a train wreck to begin with. I was so young when I did all of those horrible things, yet I can’t move on from the damage I have caused everyone who loves me.  I am an outcast due to my own actions.  I will never be treated the way I want to be treated because look at how I treated them.  It is not fair to them.  I don’t blame them at all, I was a timebomb, perhaps still ticking.

I was selfish, careless and misunderstood and now I just feel alone and selfish for being misunderstood.  I’m teetering on being just “okay” to literally breaking down from all of the emptiness that consumes me when I think about all the pain I have caused.  I’m suffering, yet I have caused so many others to suffer because of this monster.  Not a day goes by when I don’t think about what I could have or should have done differently, and not a day goes by where I don’t think about how much better my life would be if I just knew back then what I know now.

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Unfortunately, “YOLO” and I can’t erase the past and there are no do overs.  I am almost 30 and I am panicking.  I have grown and learned from my past, but I haven’t made any great strides from it either. This is the most intense I’ve ever felt living with this and it hurts me and I feel guilty for feeling hurt because I’ve affected people in terrible ways.

I am at an impasse.  I am strong and I have to carry on, but I cannot forgive myself for the s**t I don’t like to remember when I was so sick and unmanageable.  So right now, I am very uncomfortable with myself for the first time in a long while.  I just hope I get it together soon.

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.

— Albert Einstein

 

5 thoughts on “An Impasse.

  1. No one wants you to be stuck living in guilt or shame, Lisa. Not God, not your mom or your dad. You’re working so hard to be the best you you can be, and that is so commendable. Please don’t withhold your honest self from your mom. The fact that you desire to have a mature adult relationship with her is everything — sometimes the only important thing — a mother really wants. Believe me. I would do just about anything for that. Don’t let your complicated emotions keep you from pursuing that with your mom. You could be such a great comfort to one another in your shared grief and pain. I love you very much and admire all the hard work you’re doing to grow and take ownership of every part of your life. I know it’s a very painful process, but it’s the only way to move beyond the regrets of your past. All is forgiven, by all who really matter. You are more than a conqueror, Lisa!

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  2. I’m going through something similar, especially when I think back to when I was on hard drugs. But you have to forgive yourself. It’s hard. But if you hold on to the shame, it turns toxic. For me, it turned itself into anxiety & panic attacks. Anyway, keep your chin up. As long as you keep changing, that’s what matters today. ❤

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